Update on Chad

by Beth Finke

My colleague Jackie Orihill interviewed Chad Cunningham last year for a story in the easterseals.com Love, Dating, Relationships and Disability series, and today we have an exciting update to that story.

A little background first: Chad was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when he was 18 months old. His parents were told he’d never walk, but while receiving therapy from an Easter Seals center in Peoria, Illinois, from age 18 months through 18 years, he belied that prediction. In his interview with Jackie, Chad
acknowledged that in some ways, dating was a bigger hurdle to overcome than learning to walk:

“I’d think, ‘Oh my gosh, is my date going to notice [that I have a physical disability] as soon as I get up from the table, and will that be the end of the date? How long will it take her to notice my disability? Will she accept me?’”

Jackie described Chad as “brawny with a big heart,” and said he didn’t start dating until his mid-twenties, when women started asking him out. He realized that the biggest barrier to his dating had been attitude. He’d been so concerned about being defined by his disability, and judged for it, that he wasn’t being open about it. From the story:

He decided to not be afraid to talk about his disability.
“My biggest dating advice to anyone with a disability is to love yourself first, respect yourself, and be willing to share who you are and where you want to go,” Chad says. “Don’t be afraid of rejection and keep the faith. The right person is out there.”

Sure enough, the right person was out there for Chad: he met Kindra in 2012, and when we caught up with him this year we found out they got married in August! Kindra’s three-year-old daughter Lydia calls Chad “Chaddy,” and they’re excited to grow their family– a baby is on the way in June. Congratulations, Chad, Kindra and Lydia!

Love and marriage lessons I learned from my own stories

by Beth Finke

In recent weeks I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing some pretty exceptional people for our “Love, Dating, Relationships and Disabilities” series on easterseals.com, and the people I’ve spoken to have completely changed my perspective on what this love and relationships thing is all about.

These extraordinary individuals have taught me that love and relationships are not all about milestones and destinations. What makes love worthwhile is everything that takes place during the journey.

For Beth and Mike, a genuine conversation about Beth’s Type 1 Diabetes (and its potential complications) lead to Mike’s marriage proposal by the family Christmas tree during the holidays. That genuine conversation? It let Mike know that Beth was the one for him. Beth would eventually go blind as a result of her diabetes, but Mike vowed to be there throughout the journey.

For Palmer Williams, who is paralyzed from the waist down, it was the process of planning the little details of her outdoor wedding. Certain details needed to be modified during the planning process, but Palmer is resourceful, and her family and friends surrounded her with all the love — and help — she needed to make her wedding the amazing day it was. Example: Palmer’s concern about getting down the aisle was answered after her father built an aisle runner made of white plywood for his daughter’s special day.

And I’ll never forget the stories that were shared by the O’Sullivans and the Demers, two couples that have been married for 50 years. Their love has always been enough to withstand the challenges they’ve faced over the decades, including Alzheimer’s disease.

These stories taught me that everyone’s journey is different, and the entire “Love, Dating, Relationships and Disabilities” series has shown me that love is not a “one-size-fits-all” kind of thing. Love, dating and relationships can be challenging for people of all abilities, but once you’ve met the right person, it makes all of the challenges worthwhile.

Visit Easterseals.com/love for dating and relationship advice and stories. We’ve even got some very unique marriage proposal stories for you, too!

Big news, and dating tips, from our friend Bridget

by Beth Finke

Bridget and George

Last year around Valentine’s Day Bridget Houlihan wrote a piece for us about factoring disability into dating. Bridget has cerebral palsy, and while she thinks dating is fun, she also conceded that it can be difficult. “It can feel especially intimidating if you have a disability,” she wrote. “Or if you’re interested in going out with someone who has one.”

Bridget wrote about all the “what ifs” that came into her mind before mustering up the courage to ask her boyfriend George out on a date:

Things like “What if he doesn’t find me attractive because I use a wheelchair?” or “What if I need his help? Will that make me less appealing to him?”

Turns out George had questions of his own. He wondered what the best ways were to make Bridget feel at ease when they went out, he wanted more details about her cerebral palsy, and he wanted to know whether or not he should help push her wheelchair if he saw her struggling with a curb cut or incline. “I learned you can’t let the what ifs and questions stop you from pursuing someone you’re really interested in,” she wrote. “You’ve got to just go for it because if you don’t, you could miss out on something extraordinary.”

We caught up with Bridget again this year, and she had some extraordinary news to share. “George and I are engaged!” she gushed. He’d proposed at his birthday party in June, and the couple will be married on September 8, 2015.

“It’s a special day,” Bridget told us, explaining that September 8 is George’s parents’ anniversary, and it’s her parents’ anniversary as well. “We decided to make it ours, too,” she said. “We’re so excited!”

Congratulations to Bridget and George, and you can check out Bridget’s top ten dating tips here — five are for people with disabilities, and five are for those who want to date someone with a disability.

Highlights from a #PWDinmedia chat (that’s people with disabilities in media for the non-Tweeters)

by Yolanda Green

We are immersed in a world of pop culture.

This kind of world is great when you want to come home from a rough day and catch up on your favorite shows and movies on Netflix. But it can be disheartening when you’ve been exposed to the media since the day you were born and never see anyone like you represented in media images, characters and storylines — not even in your favorite shows. What unspoken message does this send?

Thrive, an Easter Seals community for young women with disabilities, focuses on a disability topic every month. In January, all the Oscar buzz and debate surrounding an able-bodied person playing a person with a disability in The Theory of Everything made disability representation the perfect theme for that month. We wanted to provide a space for young people to be honest about what they thought, and we were thrilled to see Twitter was on fire with people itching to voice their opinions on the subject. Journalists, bloggers, novelists, students, activists, as well as people with and without disabilities contributed to an amazing discussion. We reached over 100,000 users with the hashtag #pwdinmedia with about 500 tweets!

In case you missed it, here is one that got a lot of attention:

Q. What are your thoughts on actors/actresses without disabilities playing the roles of people with disabilities in TV & Film?
“It’s often hard for disabled actors to get roles of abled characters. Giving disabled roles to abled actors thus robs disabled actors of the very few roles they’re able to get. So it always bothers me. Also, it’s often very clumsily done. Abled actors may not use canes or wheelchairs the correct way, for example.” – Corinne Duyvis ‏(@corinneduyvis)

“When depicting disability we shouldn’t make people feel like they can ‘get out’ of the disability. I also want to stress over and over and over again that not all disabilities are ‘tragic’ and ‘life changing.’ I was born blind.” – Elsa S. Henry (‏@snarkbat)

“I want to see people born with disabilities play themselves too. Not just stories of those who had accidents.” – Schwartz Abdul ‏(@schwartzabdul)

And then there was this one:

Q. What ways has the media shown progress towards disability representation? What things need improvement?
“These days, I think there’s slightly more willingness by the media to go beyond the typical ‘overcoming disability’ tropes. But there’s still an almost complete absence of disabled voices in journalism today. Writers, get those pitches out!” – Elizabeth Heideman ‏(@Eliza_Heidi )

And this:

Q. How can media creators work to increase disability representation without relying on tropes?
“Include multiple disabled ppl w/ multiple disabilities and other intersections (race, age, gender) in production process” – Erin H (‏@geekygimp )

“First, understand the tropes. You have to know WHY they’re harmful so you don’t replicate them despite intentions.” – Kayla Whaley ‏(@PunkinOnWheels)

There were so many great conversations beyond the above selection of quotes, and you can get the complete summary when you check out the Storify for #pwdinmedia. Join in on the conversation — follow @ability2thrive on Twitter and and participate in our next chat — on disability beauty — February 26th 3 p.m. EST.

One mother’s relationship with her son who has disabilities

by Beth Finke

Gus and Beth

Our 28-year-old son wears diapers. He can’t talk or walk. If his food isn’t cut into bite-sized pieces, we have to feed him. Gus’s genetic condition doesn’t have a name, like Downs or Asperger’s. It’s known by its clinical description: Trisomy 12p.

My husband Mike has loved his son from the day Gus was born. It took me a lot longer. Truth is, I was angry at Gus. He wasn’t the baby I expected. A baby was supposed to bring us joy. The way I saw it, Gus brought nothing but trouble.

I did therapeutic exercises with Gus. I cuddled him, played the piano for him. But none of it was heartfelt.

Until one night, when I was singing Gus to sleep. Suddenly understanding washed over me: None of this was Gus’s fault. “‘You didn’t want it to be like this,’” I said, starting to cry now. “It’s not your fault, is it?” Over and over I repeated it. “It’s not your fault, Gus.” I kissed and hugged him, finally able to love him and to tell him so.

Decades later, Gus communicates by crawling to whatever it is he needs. He can manipulate a wheelchair, too, and when he wants to hear music, he rolls himself to the piano. Gus laughs and sings with the tunes and claps with delight whenever he hears live music. He loves to hold hands, especially while swinging on a porch swing. But as Gus grew bigger, Mike and I grew older. Shortly after Gus’s 16th birthday, we realized it was time for him to move away. Mike and I placed him on waiting lists all over the country. A facility four hours away contacted us in 2002. They had an opening.

Gus cried his entire first weekend away. So did we. ‘It’ll take some time for us to all get used to each other,’ the social worker assured us over the phone. On our first visit, we found Gus happy and smiling, yet not quite sure what to make of these visitors on his new turf. I sang to him. He felt my face. Suddenly he burst out in laughter, realizing it really was me.

During that visit I stood him up to transfer him from the wheelchair to the car so he could join us for lunch, and I realized how much he’d grown. He was up to my chin.

As I leaned down to kiss Gus goodbye afterwards, he took off. Couldn’t wait to wheel himself back to his friends in the activity center.

Now, when we visit Gus, it’s all fun. No hoisting him onto the toilet, no muscling him into the shower, no changing his diapers. No drudgery. He seems relieved, too, finally allowed to do things independently of his parents. Hmmm…maybe Gus has more in common with other young men his age than I thought.

Who can I talk to about dating and disability?

by Jackie Orihill

In this abridged excerpt from the nonfiction book Kissability: People with Disabilities Talk About Sex, Love, and Relationships author Katherine Duke shares the moment that prompted her to create the book, which is based on opinions and stories from 40 different people with disabilities around the world.

Why I wrote Kissability

by Katherine Duke

Kissability grew out of a time when I was concerned — no, I was panicked — about what felt like a vast emptiness where my love life was supposed to be, and about how utterly clueless I was at trying to fill that emptiness. I hadn’t dated since college (hadn’t dated before college, either), and my efforts to start dating again were proving anywhere from disappointing to disastrous. I was facing the very real and terrifying possibility that I would simply never find another romantic partner ever again.

This possibility became the topic of a months-long bout of clinical depression.

I talked to my mother, my sister, and my friends about my concerns, and they did their best to reassure me. Dating isn’t easy for anyone, they said. Your wheelchair doesn’t matter; you have other qualities that people find attractive. You’ll find someone soon.

I couldn’t help but wonder: How do they know?

I appreciated their encouraging words, but they didn’t seem to understand why this issue was troubling me so deeply. How could they understand? None of them had pushed themselves through life in a wheelchair; none of them had any accessory or trait that so obviously marked them, in the public eye, as broken, as deficient.

I’d had cerebral palsy since birth and all manner of therapies, orthotics, and mobility equipment since childhood. I did not dwell in frustration or embarrassment about my CP. I did not wish it away (as I had with, say, my tendency toward depression, which I actually consider more debilitating than the CP). I did not see my disability as a repulsive or tragic flaw. But, as a single young adult, I was painfully aware that many other people, including potential dates and lovers, might see it that way.

Around that time, I happened to get back in touch, through the Internet, with an old friend who, like me, has CP and uses a wheelchair. He sent me a video message asking for an update on my love life. I wrote back and poured my heart out to him, describing my frustrations and fears and a particular humiliating incident that had crystallized them.

Within hours, he sent another video message in response. “Oh my God,” he said. “I was basically reading my story when I was reading your letter, and I can totally relate.”

This man, who was enrolled in graduate-level disability studies courses at the time, went on to speculate that our similar experiences, and our feelings about them, had a lot to do with our disabilities. Disabled people, he said, often have the same impulses and desires as non-disabled people when it comes to sex and relationships, but we don’t always have the same developmental and learning experiences at the same times as everyone else.

My exchange with this friend both comforted and intrigued me as no previous conversation had. I suddenly found myself wanting to talk to lots and lots of different disabled people, to figure out which common threads were — and were not — running through all of our self-images, social lives, and love lives.

I tried searching online for books and forums about disability and sexuality. Most of what I found seemed geared toward medical information and advice. While I’m very glad that such resources exist, they weren’t what I was looking for. Wasn’t there some place, some repository, some project, wherein people with disabilities could just express ourselves — simply share stories and feelings about this area of life?

Where do you go to find support regarding love, dating and relationships among the disability community? Share your insights in the comment section below. And visit easterseals.com/love for love, dating and relationship advice from people living with disabilities and their families.

We’re featuring our best relationship stories and advice

by Beth Finke

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes the shapes and sizes include disabilities, big and small. In honor of Valentine’s Day, the Easter Seals blog and Easter Seals website will be spending the month of February exploring the many forms our relationships can take. We’ll have first-hand accounts from the frontlines of relationships with parents, children, siblings, friends, caregivers, partners, relatives, and spouses, all with people living—and loving—with disabilities.

People sometimes ask me if it was difficult to form relationships after losing my sight. My answer is always yes, but then I come back with a question of my own: “Is it ever easy to form solid relationships?” The person and I have a laugh together, and, ironically, a relationship is born.

In the end, I’d say relationships with people who have disabilities are similar to other relationships: they come much easier once people get past questions and concerns and just start communicating. Find out what our other bloggers think by reading their posts about relationships this month. After all, they’re the experts!

And visit Easterseals.com/love for dating and relationship advice and stories. We’ve even got some very unique marriage proposal stories for you, too!

Transitioning people with disabilities into the workforce

by Bob Glowacki

Last month Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker invited one of ours to his State of the State speech!

Let me explain: after naming 2014 the “Year of the Better Bottom Line” to encourage the hiring and promotion of individuals with disabilities, Governor Walker wanted a number of people with him at the State of the State who were employed thanks to this initiative. One of those newly employed individuals was Danny Gris, who completed the Project SEARCH program here at Easter Seals Southeast Wisconsin.

In his speech, Governor Walker explained “The Better Bottom Line” like this:

Last year, we announced a new program called A Better Bottom Line that was patterned after an idea from my friend, Delaware Governor Jack Markell, when he was chair of the National Governors Association. It is about helping employers identify the unique abilities of people who are defined, by some, as having a disability.

The governor explained that the initiative “expanded programs helping transition people with disabilities into the workforce in a way that matched their skills with the needs of prospective employers.” Danny attended the State of the State address with Jeanne Schultz from Waukesha Memorial Hospital (one of our business liaisons) and he described the experience as “really cool”:

I felt proud to sit right in the middle of the second row of guests in the Assembly Chamber. I met Attorney General Brad Schimel and took a tour of his office. After the speech Governor Walker shook my hand and took a picture with me and Jean Schultz!

Danny works at a local grocery store, and the skills he learned at Project SEARCH are helping him to be a great employee. Our state motto is “Forward” and our Project SEARCH graduates are living up to that motto, moving forward: 80% of individuals that come through Easter Seals Project SEARCH sites are happily employed. Our thanks to Governor Walker for being a champion for Danny and hundreds of other men and women like him from across the great state of Wisconsin.

Related Resources;

Easter Seals is a proud partner of Getting Hired, a career resources for people with disabilities, as well as Direct Employers, a job search portal for veterans.

In search of an improved transition for veterans

by Col. David Sutherland

Col. Sutherland testifying

Testifying before a Congressional Committee is a great opportunity to inform and educate an important audience about a topic I’m very passionate about – ways to improve the military-to-civilian transition.

I was asked to provide my thoughts on the military’s Transition Assistance Program, also known as TAP. The completion of TAP is the beginning – not the end – of the service member’s reintegration process. In fact, the hardest work begins once final TAP sessions concludes. That’s because there are just some things that government can’t do.

The minute they step off the military base, veterans enter the community – and that is where the real transition starts. While the new TAP provides a good start, it could be improved.

A young Marine Lance Corporal named Gary who participated in the program last fall told me that he’d rate the information a B- or a C+. “It’d earn a higher grade had it been more specific to where I was going – even just sending me off with a list of key resources, such as the location of the VA or the job service.”  Gary was equipped with basic tools, but there was never instruction, strategies or next steps for connecting to the community nearly 750 miles away that he would soon call home.

We ought to be measuring outcomes instead of completion so that we can review and adjust transition programs as needs evolve. For example, instead of recording a service member’s transition as a success because he or she completed the program, TAP should look at outcomes such as employment, home ownership, and financial solubility.

Sometimes the handoff to the community gets a shaky start. Paychecks aren’t deposited on time; housing falls through; the car breaks down. In these cases, the community becomes the final catchall. This could be made simpler if service members had the option of sharing their contact information with the community to which they are transitioning so they could learn about additional community-based assistance. To that end, Congress should authorize and fund grants so that communities can map available assets for veterans.

We must also recognize that reintegration challenges often surface months or years after the initial transition. Communities need to be there to support these veterans and their families before their situations turn into crisis and require more intensive and expensive interventions. Congress has done an effective job in developing and funding programs to assist veterans through community-based services and supports when they have hit crisis. But early-intervention models would be more efficient and productive. For example, Congress ought to extend and expand programs such as the Rural Veterans Coordination Pilot.

Every veteran matters, and their lives should be better because of our collective efforts at the national and community levels. This is my motivation, and I was honored to share it with Congress this past week.

To read Colonel Sutherland’s full testimony, visit the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Veterans’ Affairs. Or watch the webcast of the hearing, including the Q&A session.

Why couldn’t this reputable chef get a new job?

by Beth Finke

That’s Chef Laura Martinez, owner of La Diosa.

Laura Martinez was one of the dozens of restaurant workers who were out of work when the late chef Charlie Trotter closed Charlie Trotter’s, his five-star restaurant here in Chicago, back in 2012. Laura is a graduate of Le Cordon Bleu, and she’d been working at the iconic restaurant for more than two years. You’d think a graduate of a prestigious cooking school and experience in the kitchen of a five-star restaurant would have an easy time finding a new job, but not so for Laura.

You see, Laura Martinez is blind.

Laura got her job at Charlie Trotter’s after the late chef and restaurant owner visited the Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind. Laura had been working in the Lighthouse cafeteria kitchen at the time, and it was love at first taste. Charlie was quoted in an article in the Chicago Tribune back then about Laura:

“I was watching her work and saw how she handled things with her hands, touching for temperature and doneness, and I ate her food and it was quite delicious. We got to talking and she told me about her dreams and I said, ‘What would you think about working at Charlie Trotter’s?'”

Laura was already attending the prestigious Le Cordon Bleu culinary program at the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago at the time. Charlie Trotter offered to help with her tuition, and Laura accepted a job at his restaurant after she graduated.

The Illinois Department of Human Services hired a personal assistant to help Laura with on-the-job training, but then staff at Charlie Trotter’s took Laura under their wing and started providing her with supportive job assistance, removing the need for the personal assistant. I had the privilege of meeting Laura in 2011, and she told me co-workers on the line at Charlie Trotter’s had become comfortable having her there prepping, cleaning and chopping.

Trotter said Martinez was an exceptional worker who brought value to his restaurant. “Besides being a great cook, she brings value through her professionalism. She is a great team member.” An executive chef at a downtown Chicago restaurant had Laura in for an interview shortly after Charlie Trotter’s restaurant closed, and from all accounts, her interview went well — she especially nailed it when asked how she handles challenges in the kitchen. That was the only interview she had, though, and she wasn’t offered a job. A story in Wednesday’s Chicago Tribune explains:

Martinez – who has been blind since she was a baby – struggled to find employment after the closure of the late chef’s namesake restaurant. “Nobody wanted to hire me,” said the 30-year-old chef.

Laura did some catering work and taught cooking classes for blind teenagers at the Chicago Lighthouse, but eventually, she did what so many of us with disabilities do when no one else will hire us full-time: we start our own company. Again, from Wednesday’s Chicago Tribune:

“Of course, it’s my passion more than anything,” she said.
Martinez, who describes La Diosa’s cuisine as “contemporary French, Mexican and Italian,” always knew that she would one day open a restaurant, “But not so soon. I thought maybe it would take a few years.”

The name of Laura’s restaurant, La Diosa, means “the goddess” in Spanish, and it opened at 2308 N. Clark Street in Chicago on Friday, January 16. The place is small – 450 square feet – and is described as more of a grab-and-go than a sit-down restaurant. La Diosa does have a few tables, though, and the menu offers Mexican comfort food with “a French twist” as an homage to Charlie Trotter. Some of us here at Easter Seals Headquarters are putting together a field trip to head out there and try it for lunch sometime. Stay tuned, we’ll write reviews.